Friday, 8 May 2015

My Two Scents Worth

This week I treated myself to some new aftershave. I did this for two reasons. Firstly I had run out of everyday aftershave. Secondly (and more importantly) it was on a Groupon offer and only half price! And even though I had never smelled it, it was too good a bargain to turn down.

The scent in question was Vera Wang for Men – I know right! Vera Wang… for men!! Who knew! So this was a risk, but one worth taking. If it’s terrible then I can always use it for lighter fluid!

The fun part of this was the description: Vera Wang For Men is a sophisticated men's fragrance from the world renowned designer and is masculine, urbane and appealing. A distinguished modern fragrance created expressly for today's cosmopolitan man.

The Mrs asked why I had bought this as I was neither sophisticated, masculine, appealing, distinguished nor cosmopolitan (and fuck knows what urbane means)!! She had a point.

It got me thinking about other fragrances and the descriptions manufacturers use to appeal to a certain audience… versus the more honest descriptions.

The ‘manly’ pink bottle for the post pubescent teenager! Smell like every other gawky kid in the pub full of underage drinkers and first time smokers. Be one of the cool kids, never stand out and make sure you splash enough on to intoxicate the ladies… literally drown them in your scent!! #virgin

CK One
Are you ripped? Six pack? Pectoral muscles? Do you look good in Y fronts? Then CK One is the aftershave for you… If you fancy yourself, but do not want to over indulge in truly expensive scents, then CK One is the one for you. If you can get its tiny screw cap off then splash this bad boy on… But in reality, over weight, vest wearing, skiddy white CK boxer loving dudes prefer it too! #budgiesmugglers

Beckham Original
Want an expensive looking bottle? But don’t want to pay over £10? Then the Beckham inspired scent is ideal for you. Take it to the footy, take into the changing rooms, take it anywhere… As soon as you spray you will be able to do 500 kick ups in flip flops… A scent for the wannabe footballer, who, even at 37, still thinks they have a shot at the big time! #pastit

See Also:  The James Bond aftershave (WTF!!)… aspiring secrets agents only!)

Hugo Boss Bottled
The 30 something’s version of Joop! The scent that is more grown up, but still common as muck. Smell like every bloke in his 30s in the same pub with the underage drinkers smelling of Joop. For the guy with a history of broken relationships and worn down by a lifetime of kids, find your youth again with Hugo Boss! It’s expensive too, so won’t make you seem cheap! #midlifecrisis

Christian Dior Fahrenheit
For the man in his late 40s/early 50s who is now settled and is told by the woman in his life that this is a great smell. In reality you’ll smell like a sports sock full of talcum powder, well used, worn in, but comfortable. A comfortable scent for the man who doesn’t need to impress anymore. You are a settled man, so smell like a settled man. #slippersandpipe

Diesel Only The Brave
For the guy who thinks he’s hard as fuck. The bottle is shaped like a fist so it looks hard. Diesel is hard, full stop, harder than petrol for sure. Would you mess with Vin Diesel? No. He’s hard! So smell hard, act hard and walk around with imaginary carpets under your arms. Wear tight Diesel shirts. ‘Cos it’s hard! Wear the ideal hard fragrance to go with the hard as nails scowl on your grizzled hard face. #rockhard

Viktor & Rolf Spice Bomb
For the man who is stupidly rich and can afford to buy a scent that only lasts ten minutes. Who cares though! Splash more of that £100 grenade shaped bottle of richness all over, several times an hour, bathe in it in fact because you can afford more. You are richer than him. So wear wealth!! #richerthanyou

Jean Paul Gaultier
Because it’s the first step to coming out of the closet… And the bottle is right fancy! #hellosailors

Paco Rabanne 1 Million
For the gangster in you. Hang on street corners, drink the strong stuff from a brown paper bag, smoke a joint. Wear the ultimate fragrance that says this is my ‘hood. Containing strong notes of gun residue, weed and cheap hookers. Feel one million dolla… mutha fucka’s! #gangSTAR

There’s so much choice out there…

What do I want to go for?

What do I want to project to people?

What is my budget???

Ah fuck it, I think I’ll just stick with my Lynx Africa actually…

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Fifty Shades of the Grey Area

For those that have read my posts in the past, and they have been few and far between over the last 12 months, will know I generally say and do whatever pops into my head. A kind of Tourette’s in a way, there’s no editing or filter.

This can be good; this can be bad but is often classed as offensive.
Either way, I ignore the hysteria of the modern world gone PC crazy. Those people that are so uptight that they have to wrench open their arse hole just to take a dump! Those people that get offended at the very notion of been offended. These people are real pains in the world and create conflict because they tell you that you shouldn’t do or say certain things and people believe they are actually offended as a result when the same thing 10-20 years ago didn’t register as offensive.
I’ve always said it and will say it again, if people didn’t react, didn’t get offended in the first place I reckon conflict would decrease. They are words at the end of the day, nothing more than words in a world of free speech. Match words with words or choose to ignore. Don’t retaliate to words by picking up a stick!
But at least the above believe what they are saying and stick rigidly to it. They are consistent in what they say and do. The worst culprits, the ones that really grate, are the lower end of the PC brigade. The ones that only get offended if it suits their purpose or argument.
And in my experience, apart from people with religious beliefs, this is generally the females of the population. Yes, yes that sounds incredibly sexist, but hear me out…

Page 3 of The Sun newspaper has history. Campaigners, majority been women, for years have tried to stop one picture of a young woman with her boobs out being published on the 3rd page of The Sun. Now I do not read this paper, it’s trashy, it’s awful and I generally feel dumber having read it. I find it lazy journalism, I do not get offended by things in it, but I choose not to read it. If you are upset by a pair of tits, then do not read that paper! Simple.
Although it does have a great sports section!

The point is the campaigners want it stopped because it objectifies women, it belittles them and makes them fantasy figures for the male population. Forget the fact this woman is doing it of her own free will and probably getting paid handsomely for it. Forget the fact she chose this line of work and is using her assets to make a living in the same way as any women would use her assets whether that be sporting assets, intellectual assets, business acumen or all the above!

As I say, I do not get the paper; I have no interest in page 3. Hell, if I wanted to get any kicks of a similar ilk there’s plenty on the internet! But if that woman is doing what she wants and she is aware of the ramifications, of what people will think, then good for her. Girl power eh!
These same women who campaign for the abolishment of page 3 and think it is objectifying women will then be the same women who clamber for mummy porn themselves. Specifically the phenomenon that is Fifty Shades of Grey…

Middle aged women wanting a bit more excitement in their lives…

A millionaire playboy who is used to getting what he wants, when he wants, makes a young virginal woman sign a contract for kinky sex??? Can you imagine an actual real life story like that hitting the papers? Maybe even getting a paragraph on page 3 of The Sun?!?! There would be uproar!! And the millionaire bloke certainly wouldn’t be adored by the female nation that’s for sure.

But its fine as this is fantasy! This is romance, modern day romance. Apparently it’s a modern day love story. I am told Christian Grey realises he does love Anastasia… it takes three books and a shit load of rubber and rope for him to realise, but hey who am I to judge!
I guess it would be a boring trilogy if he just took her out for a meal and the occasional cinema trip and then met her parents?!?!

Suddenly objectifying a woman is romantic and women are going bat shit crazy for this stuff.

And then as the book craze dies down the film hits cinemas and it all begins again. There are women saying the film is a wonderful piece of filmmaking because the books, which were amazing when they came out, are actually crap and badly written. The film shows this journey of love between a man and woman much better, much clearer… Bull shit!!
It means women now have a face, a body, for their fantasies in the form of Jamie Dornan. Who is now the sexiest man on the planet, even though no one had really heard of him less than 12 months ago… Suddenly a man is being objectified!

I just find the whole sorry tale hypocritical.

I can be judged as a bloke for ogling one picture on page 3, but women can create whole fantasies about bondage, S&M and sex contracts and it is ok??? The lower tier of the PC brigade strikes again...

So it seems there is a grey area after all, fifty shades of it in fact. Apparently not everything is black and white!

Who knew?